The Male Sacred Intimate: Sexual Healer
This article is borrowed from my friend Sunyata Satchitananda. - Beth
I am a Man serving as a Sacred Intimate (Daka, Sexual Healer). I’ve worked as a carpenter, insurance inspector, photographer, TV station manager, and Development Director so you might wonder how I came to engage sexual energy with the intention of healing, shifting, releasing and opening energy blockages consisting of: emotional wounds, judgment, shame, powerlessness, low self-esteem and inexperience.
My path to becoming a Sacred Intimate started when I was pursuing a fine art photographer career. I created fine art nude-in-nature imagery which was well received and published in several issues of FOCUS magazine and shown at Photo San Francisco. The women who posed for me weren’t professional models and for many it was their first time to be photographed unclothed. I was professional and respectful, making sure they were comfortable, warm, and at ease. Many of these women had remarkable responses to seeing their beauty portrayed in fine art imagery. From these experiences I yearned to be able to positively affect a woman’s self-esteem and realization of her beauty and innate divinity - however I had no idea of what form that service might be.
I began studying Tantra and sacred sexuality. It was here that I found a basis for understanding sexuality and the dynamic of male-female energy engagement. This took me to a higher possibility for sexual engagement and created a container that supported transcendence within sexual relationship. Through my own process of healing, opening, and releasing my “blocks” to wholeness and integration I was able to reach a place within where I could serve the women in my life with similar processing, education, and coaching.
Eventually I met and began a relationship with a woman who was serving as a Sacred Intimate (Dakini). Through her introduction and example, I was presented with the form my service could take. I desired formal certification to become a “Daka” and found a teacher for that purpose. I became certified as a Tantric Healer and started offering sexual healing sessions soon thereafter.
Before I began giving sessions as a Daka I went through a period of deep introspection, contemplating my motivation for serving in this capacity. Was I doing this to “get dates?” Was there some sexual gratification in the process for me? How did I feel about serving women I wasn’t attracted to? Would I serve men too? What were my boundaries, what was I willing/not willing to provide in a session?
My fears came up: Did I know enough, would I be good enough? Would I be able to fulfill the client’s expectations for the session? Could I keep my emotional “distance” and not become enmeshed/entangled with a client’s feelings or circumstances? Fortunately, I discovered, fears are always worse than what is actually experienced. My sessions were perfect, each a lesson in relaxing into being present and holding space without a personal agenda - which is a large part of my service as a Daka.
One of the big questions was: Would I serve Men? At first, I was disinclined because I am heterosexual, but then realized I was perpetuating my own homophobic fears. So, I remained open and after several gay or bisexual men contacted me for sessions I decided to give it a try. This process was perfect because it made me take another, closer, look at the purpose of the sessions I offer. For me, sessions are about healing and integration and realizing one’s divinity and higher awareness of being and not merely for the client’s sexual gratification. I realized that I was uncomfortable with providing “directed release” (a.k.a. “a happy ending”) as an expectation in the session. With either men or women, orgasms can happen, but they are not the goal of the session. I teach meditation and breathing techniques and energy awareness which combine to produce an expanded understanding and experience of orgasm when it occurs - and give men the option of not ejaculating but retaining the energy and moving it up through their body for an expanded experience.
So why do women and men seek sexual healing sessions?
My sessions focus on sexual healing, releasing, opening and clearing energy blockages stemming from past trauma, emotional wounds, judgments, shame, powerlessness, and messages prompting low self-esteem. These blocks take the form of “hot spots” of tension stored in the body at various locations, often in the first or second Chakra area. Both men and women carry these blockages and both benefit from being consciously touched with loving, accepting, nurturing energy. By being present and providing loving touch, an opportunity is presented for the stored energy to shift, move, open, and release as a result of the intention for healing and integration held by the client. I gently steward our session and provide a safe and sacred container for such releases to occur.
Another reason men and women have sessions with me is due to the profound absence in our culture for healthy modeling of masculine attributes that support holistic growth and integration in the psyche. Women experience a double dose of discouragement when trying to grow into integrated wholeness by receiving healthy masculine modeling. There are very limited positive resources to model one’s inner masculine after and when women do assert masculine aspects they are often demeaned as a “bitch” or “dyke” by immature male egos.
Men likewise have scant resources for such modeling, and often receive their “training in being a man” from their father, grandfather, older brothers, uncles, superiors at work, or religious leaders - many of whom are emotionally adolescents themselves! Sessions with me give one the opportunity to explore healthy male energy that does not have an agenda for personal fulfillment or egoic gain.
A third aspect of sessions with me centers on healthy unconditional acceptance and touch. Many people do not have a resource for this in their life. And there seems to always be an attachment of expectation for reciprocal treatment - at the least - or worse, a one-way “using” of the other for sexual gratification. Women especially, report feeling like their husbands are just using their body to “get off” and don’t feel “seen” or felt as being present with -during sex.
I provide present, unconditionally loving acceptance and touch to whomever is before me - loving their body in all its shapes, sizes, colors, ages, and forms. For some people, my touch is the only experience of loving acceptance their body has had since they were very young. Sessions with me are often among one’s first steps towards body acceptance and better self-esteem.
Another significant category of clients are women who have chosen to be celibate for one reason or another. These women often choose to experiment with male energy in a safe and sacred container, knowing nothing is expected of them in return and they can relax into positive male energy and maintain their choice of celibacy.
Men clients come to see me for many of the same reasons women do. Men have also experienced trauma, emotional wounding, and abuse and desire a safe container to release blockages of judgment, shame, powerlessness, guilt and low self-esteem. Whatever their sexual orientation, positive male energy is invaluable to experience and incorporate in one's life and men find their time with me to be nurturing and supportive in this way. Also, some heterosexual men desire to experiment with male energy in a safe and sacred container without the expectation of sex. I provide a positive engagement that meets this desire without judgment or pressure for sex.
What happens in a session with me?
Many clients are nervous in the beginning of their first session. Quickly that releases as one feels my presence, unconditional love and open listening which fosters trust and shifts the experience into relaxed confidence. I spend a significant amount of time counseling and coaching, which brings conscious awareness to personal and relationship challenges and a higher possibility for sexual engagement. I ask clients to share with me their intention and desire for our time together and any part of their story which seems relevant to our session. We discuss their intention, desires and concerns and I ask them to hold these lightly during our session and see what wants to shift, open, release, and integrate.
Because energy blocks are accepted into our being through a process that goes from the more subtle etheric bodies (intellectually, emotionally, spiritually) into the density of the physical body (and gets lodged there in “storage”), the process to release such blocks includes a similar pathway. I co-create with the client an opportunity for shifting or release by bringing a higher consciousness to the underlying emotional and psychological issues attached to the blockage. Then I engage the body through breathing techniques, movement and massage to activate the specific areas harboring these blockages.
To get to the state where a shift or release can happen the body must be deeply relaxed, where armoring defenses are inactive. The quality of touch conveyed during the massage is one of unconditional love and acceptance, nurturing wholeness and well-being. There is no salacious “getting-off” energy part of this process, I am merely bringing the opposite of: judgment, fear, shame, and guilt to these sensitive areas of the body -and holding space for whatever wants to happen to occur.
I begin the session with a “centering” exercise using eye-gazing and breathing. I often follow this time with some core-connected “meditative movement” - a slow “dance” of stretching and moving our bodies to aid in embedding the new consciousness discussed earlier in the session. This is followed by a full-body sensual massage that includes the entirety of the body.
A full body sensuous massage includes the “private areas” of the body. For these areas, I ask permission first, and then wait for the body to also say “yes.” For the yoni (vagina), it is a three-step process. First, permission is received to start engagement with the yoni exterior, then when that is complete, permission is granted to enter the yoni for the interior release process, and third, permission to engage the sacred spot (another area that often carries shame, judgment, and fear). Each step is given respectful pause and consideration so that the woman feels completely at-choice and that nothing is being “taken” from her in the massage.
The massage is followed by a period of “completion” where I simply hold space and stay present to the venting or releasing that has occurred. If the client is open to it I eye-gaze with them for a bit to connect (sometimes however, the client desires to “go within” and close their eyes for a while) and we might hold hands or with my hand to their heart, so there is no abrupt ending to the session.
I also offer follow up counseling/coaching by phone or email for what may come up during the days/weeks that follow the session. Many clients benefit from repeat sessions which clear more blockages and allow for further integration and a return to a sense of wholeness and well-being.
Sessions for couples
I feel humbly blessed to be trusted by a couple who are revealing their relationship’s challenges and desires. Couples often have issues around sexuality and intimacy and it is wonderful to experience the “ah-hah” moments where consciously connecting-the-dots creates a shift or opening that allows more love to shine through. I use a process of bringing consciousness to challenging aspects of relationship followed by integration with movement, breathing and massage to create a higher possibility for the couple’s love to deepen and intimacy to be felt .
Often couples come for sexual enhancement and also end up learning advanced sensitivity and communication skills and/or ways of bringing presence and consciousness to their relationship more fully. For many couples, sessions include discussion, coaching, education, demonstration, and body integration which I initiate and also teach them to do with each other. In addition, I offer sessions co-facilitated with a Dakini, Kali Devi, for those who are more comfortable with a couple leading the session.
As more women become apprised of the opportunity to grow into fullness by releasing blockages of energy through Sacred Intimate sessions our culture will begin to heal itself more rapidly.
As men become more sensitive to the higher possibility of masculine/feminine integration and appreciation of their feminine aspect they will find eager support from women who share the desire for higher possibility in relationship and the social evolution of our species.
Sacred Intimates, male and female, lead in this endeavor and provide opportunities for individuals and couples to expand in love and self-integration for a more holistic experience of life and love.