Finding Healing
He had erection difficulties that only appeared during intercourse with his wife. I used tantra and counseling to give him the courage to ask the questions he needed in order to move on.
Derek had no problem maintaining an erection during tantric massage. I asked him if he experienced the loss during masturbation or just when he was sexual with his wife.
"Only with my wife," he answered, like a little boy being caught in a lie.
"You're very angry with your wife. Think about why you are angry with her and talk with her about it. Then discuss your anger, its cause, and what to do about it. See what happens to your erection during sex after you've had this open talk."
At our next session, Derek told me, "I tried to speak with my wife about how I feel she no longer desires me. She just said it wasn't true."
"Do you believe her?" I asked.
"No," he replied. "I don't believe her, because she doesn't initiate sex between us like she used to."
I asked him when the last time she initiated sex between the two of them was.
"I don't remember," was his answer.
"When was the last time the two of you had intercourse?" I asked.
"Months ago," he answered. "We've tried, but now I can't stay hard long enough to get inside of her. Even when I do manage it, I lose the erection."
"Okay, Derek," I said. "You aren't feeling love from her, and perhaps your intuition is telling you something your conscious self is refusing to acknowledge. Your "higher body spirit" is aware of this. You are resentful and thus you are loathe to bless her with your erection or semen anymore."
"I don't know about that, Reverend Charmaine," he replied. "I want to be with my wife."
"I know 'you' do, Derek," I said. "But your higher body spirit knows better. Now, let's move to the massage and give you some Goddess love."
Derek came often for the talks and tantric massage. He felt stronger with every visit and started losing weight. Eventually, he decided to join one of my erotic empowerment group workshops. After that workshop, he came in and said he was going on a nude retreat. He felt new power and energy after the group, and he wanted to explore it more. He had asked his wife to come with him, but she didn't want to go. He felt he needed to go for himself, anyway.
When he returned, he told me, "I've been thinking. With the love I now feel for myself, maybe I don't really so desperately need my wife to give her love to me. I want to share love with her, but I don't need her to love me like before. I'm going to talk with her, but I need a balancing in my chakras beforehand!"
In his next session with me, Derek walked in and said, "I went right home from our last session and asked my wife if she loved me any longer. She couldn't answer me. I said that if she told me she did love me we could try to save our relationship, otherwise we both deserve to try to be happy in other ways. She didn't say a word."
'"I'm leaving her," he told me, crying.
Derek began looking for a new place to live, as living with his wife had become pronouncedly different. His sessions became a lot more intense. He reported feeling free as never before, and became more vocal in his feelings. Although he was sad for the loss of his marriage and the life the two of them had created, he sensed that all was not lost, but possible.
He and his wife have gone through counseling so that they could be compatible as parents for their young daughter. It hasn't been easy. Derek, however, is much happier with himself. He brings this improved relationship into his sessions with me every time I see him, regardless of what life has been offering him.