Sacred Eros Musings: How Did I get Here?

How did I get here?

How did I get here? To this beautiful Life. Everywhere I look I see beauty, I see love, I see the miracle of our existence. God. I am God, God is everywhere and everything. God is you. We are all aspects of the divine. It is a miracle to see that divinity in the eyes of another creature, in the wind, swaying in the trees. This is Enlightenment, and awareness of the divinity of all things. This is pure bliss. I am in rapture. I am in awe, and I didn’t even know such a thing was possible. This is the moment. I have been waiting for it without knowing what ‘it’ is. My heart is pleading to love everything, everyone, because it is all God. I want to love God and also I want to receive God’s love. We all deserve it whether we think so or not. Once you feel it, know it in your heart and soul, you will never be the same. You will know. You will have made love to God.

The next time you look into another’s eyes look for the divine spirit, gaze upon them as if you are looking into the eyes of God. You don’t need to pretend. They ARE God experiencing the aspect of a human body. We all go through our lives caught in the illusion that we are separate, that we are less, that we are just sinful flesh. We don’t see each other. We see the bank teller, the corporate executive, the mother; but we don’t see the reality of who we really are. We think we are so much smaller, but we are magnificent, we are so divine that we are all afraid to see it. No one wants to step up and fill the divine shoes of God. For those that do a true experience of being one with God will annihilate everything they thought was real. There s no need to play small or be afraid or our spirit or sexuality any longer. My heart feels so big at this moment. I have so much love inside me. It has been very painful holding it in, not being received. I realized recently that I can give it, I am free to love God through every person I meet.

What can I give? That is what I will ask myself in every situation. What is it that I can give to this person, this place, the world, to God. I have so much to give. All of us have so much to give. We are in pain or feel anger when we are too afraid, too separate, or to ego-minded to give freely. After letting go and letting yourself be free, to give without fear, separation or ego you will come into blissful oneness with God. I made a miraculous discovery just two days ago.

I made love with an almost stranger who became God and saw me as God, and we healed our wounds for awhile, and we loved each other in the moment. This event in my life is just one of those moments where everything changes. When you look into the eyes of God and you see yourself loving yourself. I am in deep gratitude for this aspect of God who came to me in the flesh to show me what I have to give. What beauty and inspiration there is to inspire in another. How we all have the ability to live like this and give each other the gift of love that will heal the world one person at a time. I live for beauty and pleasure. The most pleasurable, beautiful thing is holding someone in my arms, feeling their body against mine and telling them how much I love them ( knowing I am saying this to God). All of this to most people is unacceptable, their minds won’t fathom it. Sex and God don’t go together. That is what we have been taught. You are either a virgin or a whore. You should be guilty for pleasures of the flesh. The separation of God and sex is the cause of all pain and suffering.

The act of love is the most sacred thing we could ever know. When women come to orgasm they exclaim Oh, God!’. Why do you think this is? They are calling to the divine because intuitively we know this can’t be wrong. We all know in our hearts that sex is the most beautiful gift especially when we free our hearts and let our spirits fly together. We can go anywhere, do anything, be anything we want to be. We create our realities. Is your current reality working for you? If not choose a new one. It’s all an illusion and none of it matters anyway. Only love is real. There is so much love in the world, but we have been told that there isn’t enough so we try to posses it, like a material thing. We hold our love back. We think we only have enough love for one special person. The opposite is true. The more love you given the more you have to give. The less you possess or try to own the more you receive. Love exists everywhere and in everything because God is love. I feel like a true Goddess when I love someone freely, when I can tell them openly that I love them and that they are beautiful. It is so much fun to be so free. God and love do not have to be so serious. Where am I going with all of this?

I think I would like to tell the story of my lovemaking two days ago. We started briefly talking about spirituality while I made a pineapple juice and young coconut drink for us to enjoy. There was an ease I felt and I knew we were in for an interesting evening. There were things that were meant to be. I began by leading him through the Ipsalu Tantra Formula I had learned: activate the body, still the mind, arouse the sexual, transmute them play. We had already talked of divinity and topics from the book Conversations with God. I felt he was ready to go somewhere with me. My partner and I had talked a lot about giving what we had with each other to another person. We didn’t know if it was possible. I was ready to see. After the formula we were sitting in Yab Yum breathing in alternate rhythms, exhaling with ‘Ah’, connecting our hearts. I whispered to him that he was beautiful. He whispered back. I told him he could say anything to me. I asked him if he trusted me and when he said ‘yes’ I blindfolded him. I took him to my bed, which is a special foam mattress on the floor surrounded by tapestries, candles and fresh flowers. I remove most of his clothing and begin a sensory experience for him, giving him tastes, smells, different sounds and touches. I see how much he is enjoying this. I am a goddess, pleasuring my God, creating sacred space for us to play in. I gently kiss him, his feet, knees, thighs, stomach, shoulders, hands, neck, ears, forehead. He whispers ‘you’re good’. I un-blindfold him to gaze into his eyes and see the divine that dwells there. I tell him it’s your turn. He intuitively knows I don’t like the blindfold. He brushes the hair out of my eyes and tucks it behind my ears. A moan escapes my lips. He asks me to get a brush. He then proceeds to gently brush my hair and asks me to share a memory from my childhood. I share a day when there was a tornado and my mom, sister and I went into the basement and ate Popsicles on the stairs. God is brushing my hair and I am sharing my memories with the divine. I remember bits of the evening; I’m not sure if they are in order. I remember sitting on the floor together. I tell him that we can spread our wings and go anywhere. ‘The dessert’, he says, ‘We are in the dessert.’ I remember him asking me to take off my shirt. He lights incense and brings it close to me. I feel frightened. My mind thinks that maybe he’s crazy and he is going to burn me. I tell him I am afraid, and honesty frees me from my fear. I feel the heat from the burning end of the incense. I talk again of a childhood memory. This time about my father burning me with cigarettes. My lover says something wonderful and poetic to me that I wish I could remember. It healed something deep within me. He intuitively was healing me. He is a God after all.

We all have the power of knowing each other without speaking a word. Sometimes words get in the way, and other times they are perfect. I remember taking off all my clothes when he left the room, lying on my stomach waiting in my naked vulnerable state for him to return. He undressed and placed his body on top of mine. It felt so good to be so vulnerable. He said he felt strong, that he was getting strength from me. We basically kissed and held each other that way until the sun rose. He was a virgin. A God/Virgin. We made love without penetration/intercourse. We created love. At one point he was kissing my Vagina (Yoni) and the words spilled out of me ‘I love you’. I said it again this time explaining that I wasn’t going to hold back, that I was present to my feelings in that moment. He said he loved me, and he smiled as he grabbed hold of me. I breathed it in and told him that I received him, all of him. We continued thanking each other and saying how good it felt to just let the love flow. At one point things were very intense between us. He was close to orgasm just from being close to me. I said this as he orgasmed: ‘You are God, God is making love to me, I am loved by God, God is loving me through you.’ He was completely blown away. He died and was born again. I was so happy that I could give it and he received it. We will both go on transformed by our experience together. I have not talked to him since, nor do I plan on us seeing each other again. If it does happen it does. Nothing is ever set in stone. As soon as I make plans the universe makes different ones.

This wasn’t the first time something like this has happened. I experience it almost every time I make love with my partner. This time was special because I leaned that I could give it, that I could see the divinity in another and have them see me too. I know now he will take what has been given to him and he will give it to another and they will give it and so on. There is no need for empty sexual experience. Imagine if all men had this knowledge, if all men knew how to worship the divine feminine. I wait for the love of my life to return home from a Tantric Yoga retreat. He is the most beautiful being I have met. He embodies love and spirit. I love him more than any words could every say. I wait with excitement for him to come home so that I can share with him all that has happened. This is probably hard for your mind to grasp. How can I be in love with one man and be so intimate with another, and then tell him about it? Freedom. There is no possession in our relationship. I love him so I set him free. He does the same for me. We have no need for the security of promise. Our relationship is not one brought together and built on fear. We just love and set the other free to do as they choose. If we were to restrict each other it would only be out of fear and selfishness. Although nothing is really selfish because what we do for another is really for our self. We are all one. If I help another to see his/her divinity, I am only seeing my own.